InspirationPlanning & Advice

Our Industry Secret to Planning an Intentional Wedding? The Priority Phase

It’s a phase that’s rarely talked about, but one of the most crucial, says Sarah Schreiber, former weddings editor, consultant, and new contributor to The Lane. The priority phase is the quiet prelude to planning, when vision and values align, setting your true north and defining the non-negotiables that will guide every decision to come.

Last year, during a two-hour phone interview with a marriage counselor, I received the best wedding planning advice I’d ever heard in my 10 years in the industry. “Everyone spends a lot of time thinking about how they want their wedding to look,” she told me, as I frantically typed, knowing the hook of the story I was working on was within reach. “They don’t stop to think about how they want their wedding to feel.” I remember pausing after she spoke, letting that sentence sit heavy in the stillness of the California hotel room I was calling her from. Even slightly jet-lagged and bleary-eyed from the 6 a.m. wake-up call to catch her early on the East Coast, I knew that she’d accurately summed up a thought that I, a weddings editor at the time, had been trying to verbalize for the better part of a decade.

In a world of wedding inspiration inundation, when celebrations are longer, larger, and more lavish than ever before, I often worry that we have lost the plot to a formula, one that compounds year over year, sacrificing emotion and intentionality for virality.

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wedding planning timelines

We Are Ona

wedding planning timelines

Athena Calderone

How To Get The Priority Phase Right

“But, how?” I asked her, after repeating that quote back to her. “How do you plan a wedding that feels as good, if not better, than it looks, and is intentional and meaningful, too?” The answer, she told me, could be boiled down to a single word: priorities. When forged early and centered constantly, a couple’s wedding-day priorities could guide them through every planning question and (difficult) decision, from how large their guest count should be and what the design landscape should look like to whether they should marry close to home or abroad. Priorities, she explained, are simply boundaries that hold us accountable to ourselves, our vision, and our values.

It got me thinking: what if couples built this type of foundational work into the wedding process as a prelude to earnest planning, so they could refer back to those prescribed boundaries ahead of vetting vendors and signing contracts? What would happen if the very first item on every newly engaged pair’s wedding planning timeline wasn’t selecting a date or setting up a month’s worth of venue tours, but designating a priority phase, a precious window to establish only what matters most and what actually doesn’t matter at all?

wedding planning timelines

Broyt

wedding planning timelines

Balenciaga

wedding planning timelines

Dos Mas En La Mesa

“In a world of wedding inspiration inundation, when celebrations are longer, larger, and more lavish than ever before, I often worry that we have lost the plot to a formula, one that compounds year over year, sacrificing emotion and intentionality for virality.”

wedding planning timelines

Jacquemus

wedding planning timelines

Rosalind Tallmadge

Three Months Post-Engagement Considerations

It’s the latter half of that question that has worked its way into my brain and lingered; I encourage couples to ponder it, too. The true mission of the priority phase, which might last anywhere from one to three months post-engagement, is discernment. An opportunity to pick up all the wedding elements you think you should have, weigh them with intention, and put them down if they don’t feel just right, this planning preface is the time to dream, to question, and to say no, just the two of you. Perhaps a 300-person production hosted by your parents doesn’t align with how you and your partner prefer to celebrate: intimately, with a small group of friends and family gathered around a table bathed in candlelight, wax dripping from candelabras as golden hour gives way to inky night. Maybe a wedding close to home, which might be more convenient for a larger group, doesn’t make your heart sing; you hear the rolling hills of Tuscany or the French Alps calling, instead. Ultimately, it’s possible that the wedding model as you know it, while tried and true, may feel forced and contrived when you try it on for size. If it doesn’t fit, don’t force it.

wedding planning timelines

CLO x Aesop

wedding planning timelines

CENTÁ

Make Room for Budget Talks Early

That’s particularly true in the context of budget, another central focus of the priority phase. A wedding is often the first large expense a couple makes jointly, which can lead to tension, both interpersonal and familial, as you learn what your partner does and does not value financially in real time. Building budget discussions into the priority phase is key, not only to determine maximum spending limits, but to also decide what those categories of value really are. Most choose first-class food, transportive music, and intentional, immersive décor that bolsters the guest experience, which is why this budget-making question never fails: If you couldn’t photograph it, would you still want to invest in it? Suddenly, you’ve separated the absolute needs from the nice-to-haves, and your priorities have emerged, simple and true.

wedding planning timelines

Dos Mas En La Mesa

wedding planning timelines

Athena Calderone

Marie-Anne Derville

The Threshold of True Planning

It’s at this point, when your celebration’s priorities are as clear as the Aegean, that wedding planning can and should begin in force. Write them down and reference them whenever you reach an inflection point and you’ll realize that the work, in some ways, has already been done; those financial, aesthetic, and emotional guardrails are already up, blocking you from making choices that don’t serve your vision or won’t deliver a wedding designed and executed with intention. With a priority phase as your prologue, when the big day arrives, you won’t just see that the work has paid off. You’ll feel it.

wedding planning timelines

Dos Mas En La Mesa

wedding planning timelines

Dos Mas En La Mesa